Stephen Colbert's Bears
Bears & Balls is a segment of The Colbert Report in which Stephen proves that any jackass can roam around a TV studio like a madman, offering up investment 'advice.' The debut of the segment occurred on the January 15, 2007 edition of The Report after Stephen took the time to watch Jim Cramer's Mad Money and realized anyone could do what Cramer does. Using the Colbert Investmentometer, Stephen decides whether or not an investment is a good one, depending on the response uttered after he presses the Big Red Button. Stephen guarantees his investment advice will make you millions if you follow it.* Tips For January 15, 2007 *Real Estate - The housing bubble burst, so should you buy Oil? Yes! Buy gas and stack it up in ten gallon containers around your garage (or in your living room if you rent.) *Telecom - Buy AT&T? No. Hell no! Instead buy and repurpose old Cingular signs. *Soy Milk? No. Ask again later. Ask again later. Ask again later. No. Yes! *Beef Jerky? Yes! Thanks to the minimum wage increase, the American workingman has lots of disposable jerky income. Tips For March 5, 2007 * Sell all things Chinese, except powdered tiger dong. Yes! * Buy the merging XM and Sirius Satellite Radio? No! * Bonds? No! * Gold? No! * Then what? Bees! Bees? Yes! Hoard bees. Tips For April 10, 2007 * Sell your house now? Yes! :What works best for making your house smell terrific - cinnamon? No! Baking Bread? No! Pheromones! :Slash your price. * Buy a house, but remember the three rules of real estate: Location. Location. Bees. Summer Vacation Edition June 14, 2007 *Weak dollar *Buy Gold? Yes! *Flee the country? Yes! Paris? No. London? No. Where then? Zimbabwe. Really? Yes! *Invest in: Ebola monkeys? No. The Vestiges of Colonial Rule? No. Elephant parts? Yes! *Invest in Ethiopian babies? Yes! But remember: cute depreciates rapidly. *Dollar heads up again on: January 20, 2009 Bootlegging Edition August 8, 2007 * move cracked nest egg out of American market, where? Where The Sun Don't Shine!, where there is growth market potential in... ** food-borne poisons ** toothpaste-borne poisons ** toy-borne poisons ** the Olympics! * If the Olympics aren't your speed, there is always... ** selling your organs! No. ** selling other people's organs! No, but now you're going a little too fast there, button ** Bootlegging! Yes! * If you want to keep your money in America, invest in our greatest resource: ** balls *** Barry Bonds' 756th home run ball *** Barry Bonds' discarded chrysalis April 1, 2008 Edition * Stephen's Big Red Button and Stephen Colbert's Bears and Balls ** Bear Stearns ** JPMorgan *** If you're losing your house, you're no longer a homeowner * Who Gets A Bailout? * Paul Krugman doesn't understand reports * the biggest threat to capitalism? ** spicy sweet chili doritos? No. ** regulation? Yes! *** FDR passed first child labor law in 1938, the next year Hitler invaded Poland * invest in Stephen Colbert's Rat Rakes ** the next wave of cheap labor ** Bees! What? May 15, 2008 Edition * rising food prices, save money on food ** stop eating food fatty ** tape worm ** pick your own food * an alternative place to shop ** shoplifting ** bees ** dollar stores * Big flammable elephant in the room * gas is expensive ** human sacrifice ** suck it Redstone! ** smaller car * The Colbert Tyro ** tractor tire that you sit in ** one speed ** clutch October 13, 2008 Edition * Americans have a grim view of our economy ** CNN 60% thought we are going into a depression ** the other 40% had their phones shut off * Where to find an affordable house ** refrigerator box ** prison ** eBay * If you have no computer skills, where can you find a house? ** bubble of self-delusion ** shipping containers (PFNC) * Another investment opportunity that you can find in your house: ** unexpressed hostilities ** bees ** salt *** $45-$79 *** convert your money into salt, salary came from the roman word for salt * golden rule of investing: ** sell your organs ** sell your soul ** sell yor toxic debt to the government ---- *DISCLAIMER: These investment tips are not guaranteed. You could end up penniless in the street, selling your body for food, turning tricks for the guys in the big sedans down at the bus station. Or you could be so fabulously wealthy that you never chew the same food twice.